Tag Archives: stress

The Limits of Awareness

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Monday I stood up a friend for brunch. I didn’t mean to, and I certainly didn’t plan on it. I had been looking forward to it just a couple days before, had the meeting written in my book, and the book was with me as I did errands beforehand. Yet so complete was my forgetting that I didn’t even realize what had happened until hours later when I was back home working.

All that would have been bad enough, but the whole reason for our meeting yesterday was to make up for one a few weeks earlier, which I had also completely forgotten about. The first time it happened, I felt bad and was very apologetic. Monday’s incident left me feeling positively disoriented.

What was wrong with me, standing up the same person twice in a row? That had simply never happened to me before. I mean, if I don’t want to see somebody I don’t make plans to begin with. And when I do make plans I show up, getting there on time if not early. What’s more, when I forget something or someone I almost always feel an intuitive knock at my door, and following that can usually get back on track right away.

So what was going on here with my friend? Did I have an unconscious block against meeting her? Was there something about our plans that was out of kilter with the universe or something? Was I (shudder) losing my marbles? For the rest of my disoriented day I pondered the options.

Both attempts at meeting were marked by one important detail: shortly beforehand I had to cope with new twists and turns in a couple very stressful situations that are ongoing. When these incidents come up they have to be dealt with immediately, and they have the effect of contracting my energy field and putting me into crisis mode. But that is not news to me. What is news, and what Monday’s fiasco made me aware of, is how deep that pattern goes, and how it blocks not only my intuition but also my ability to do new things.

For someone who spends a lot of time fishing in the deep unconscious to see what morsels I can catch through dreams and synchronicity, this raises the question of whether awareness has a catch-and-release policy I didn’t know about. Must random details from our waking lives be sacrificed to the void occasionally in order for us to extract other types of information?

Being a fan of irony, this idea is appealing to me in spite of the embarrassment it causes. But since that day I have noticed that I am not the only one walking around with a pinched, worried look and a contracted energy field. It occurs to me that this is bigger than my personal dilemma, and that perhaps we all need a little tonic for our jangled nerves.

Fortunately it is October and the season is changing visibly, with the sun setting earlier and Samhain moving closer every day. This gives us a great opportunity to slow down our pace and move slowly into ritual time. Over the next few days, I intend to spend much more time in my garden, pruning back the dried flower stalks and tidying things up for the winter. Just smelling the lavender and sage as I prune is a balm to my spirit. And maybe if I do a really nice job on the rosemary bush, it will give me a much-needed memory boost. Rosemary is for remembrance after all, or had you forgetten that?