Meta-Rambles and an Apology
I am still hoping to write something about my experience at PantheaCon two weeks ago, and I am still struggling with issues of perspective. I could give a jaded insider’s view of the con, complete with snarky gossip-y non-information that some people would think was hilarious but many more would think was self-indulgent and boring. So no, that’s not the blog post I want to write (though it is tempting).
I could give a lengthy, informative run-down of the sessions I attended, the interesting conversations I had, and what I think the state of Pagan-dom is based on all of the above. Yet writing that post does not interest me. I am tired of thinking of the state of Pagan-dom, tired of the responsibility of knowing so much history and holding so many confidences, tired ultimately of being looked to for words of wisdom.
Frankly, the past three years of going through a divorce smack in the middle of the California Reclaiming community (sic) have worn me out. I have managed to stick to the high road most of the time, which has been a Herculean feat. And I have been blessed with many, many friends who have supported me in ways too numerous to mention, all while managing their own complicated negotiations with the strange twilight group we still manage to be part of, sometimes in spite of our efforts to the contrary.
Now it looks as though the end is in sight for my personal marathon, and I have been heaving great sighs of relief. It’s not time to crack the champagne yet, but I will say this: it is chilling. In these last few weeks I need to keep being careful, and to that end I must steer clear of writing about the state of Pagan-dom, particularly the part of Pagan-dom that encompasses the Bay Area where I live.
So ultimately this is my PantheaCon post, in the form of an apology to anyone who has been looking for more reportage on that weighty gathering. I have no plans to embark on another divorce anytime soon, so perhaps by next year’s con I will have a completely different perspective to write from, one that allows me to be light and entertaining while touching on the very real currents of change in this movement which we all come together to celebrate. May it be so.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:38 am
May it be so indeed. Your ability to take the high road, keep both history and confidences, are some of the things that make me admire you so much.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:00 am
The history, and those who remember it, perhaps who helped make it, are important. Probably more important now than then. Many more folks are trying to make sense of what they are doing, why, and along what vectors of energy and intention. With accounts of history distorted by some retellings and misunderstood according to some notions of what Neo-Paganism was, and so has to be.
Tellers of history are crucial.
February 27th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“I could give a jaded insider’s view of the con, complete with snarky gossip-y non-information that some people would think was hilarious but many more would think was self-indulgent and boring. So no, that’s not the blog post I want to write (though it is tempting).”
It seems to me (as long as no actual confidences are revealed) that such a post would actually be the most appropriate thing you write, if you write anything. We talk and talk about dynamism, especially in contrast to the static world that other people ruled by books thousands of years old are ruled by; and gossip is the most telling state of how people experience the now.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Steward says, “gossip is the most telling state of how people experience the now.” Perhaps, but it is also how some of our most important history is held, particularly the “minority reports” in a sub-culture which values a unitary narrative.
Rosa, who lived in SF for several months recently while she was researching her Master’s thesis on Reclaiming, introduced herself at a salon by disclosing that she was planning on writing about what she experienced. My response to her: “yours is not the book we should be worried about.”
Pitch says, “tellers of history are crucial.” I couldn’t agree more. My hunch is that the next 10 years will see many of those “minority reports” come to light. Ultimately I think this can only be a good thing in terms of the overall health of the Pagan movement.
March 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I remember the last PantheaCon we worked together three years ago and I remember how much dignity and grace you showed then – when this issue was new and your feelings were still very raw – and how you still show that, every day.
I’ve been there at the end of a long relationship, and I know how hard that is. Hang in there.
If living well is the best revenge, then you have yours You never said you wished for any, but who among us does not think of it?
If, as I suspect, you are well past the need or desire for revenge, then you have gone even further and deeper. Again, that would be just like you.
Sia